If Only I Knew Read online

  What the hell, Harmen! Get your shit together before you accost the man. This is exactly why I don’t go on dates or hangout with any other guys besides Gray because this is the crap that goes through my brain. But I’ll say it again, I’m completely normal.

  I chance a look at him through the corner of my eye to catch him staring at me with a big smile on his face. “If I thought you were beautiful before, you’re definitely stunning now,” he said through his smile.

  I swear my heart just jumped out of my chest from his comment, but I don’t see it in my lap or on the floor of the car so it must still be safe inside my chest even though I swear I could feel it jump.

  “Are you ready to go beautiful?” he asks while smiling at me, seeming to know of my inability to currently speak.

  “Yes, I’m ready,” I answer shyly still not able to look him in the eyes. He reaches over and tugs at my hand forcing me to turn my head to look at him. When I met his eyes I can swear I lose my breathe because he’s so beautiful. Yes, men can be beautiful too. Deal with it.

  I’ve always thought Gray was the most attractive guy I’ve ever laid my eyes on, but Brett is just as gorgeous but more in a preppy way where Grayson is all muscles, chiseled jaw, perfect and the most amazing green eyes I’ve ever seen. But enough about my best friend who thinks of me as his little sister and more about the gorgeous specimen sitting in the seat next to me and currently holding my hand.

  “Where are we going?” I ask as he backs out of my driveway while still holding my hand in his.

  “To my favorite restaurant, I hope you like Italian.”

  “I love Italian!”

  Calm down Harmen, no need to freak out about noodles. Sometimes I get too excited about the dumbest things. Even though I swear noodles are God’s best gift to man.

  When we arrive at the restaurant I let myself out of his car as he comes around to grab my hand and lead me towards the front door.

  “How many in your party?” the hostess asks as we step up to the podium.

  “Just two please,” answers Brett and I’m pretty sure I can see the hostess drooling as she looks up at him.

  “Sure, right this way.” She turns to lead us back to a table and I swear she is swaying her hips more than humanly possible, but to my surprise Brett doesn’t even seem to notice her. I’m more concerned for her safety than with her looking at my date as though he’s a piece of meat. I mean if she tries to put sway her hips must more she’s going to dislocate one of those bad boys and that’s a sight I really don’t want to see.

  As dinner progresses I get to know Brett and I’m actually able to talk to him without losing my mind which surprises me. The hardest part of the conversation comes when he starts talking about his parents.

  “I wanted to tell you something before you hear it from other people and question why I didn’t tell you myself. A little over a year ago my parents were traveling in New Zealand and were on their way home when their plane crashed. My dad was flying the plane when it went down and it was just he and my mom on the plane. They died instantly. It’s not something I like to talk about a lot, but since I’ve been on campus a couple years there are people who know about it and I wanted to be the one to tell you.”

  I have to make myself count to seven and take a couple deep breaths before I can even look him in the eyes without crying.

  “I am so sorry you had to go through that,” I say on the verge of tears. “I honestly don’t know what I would do if I lost one of my parents, let alone both of them at the same time. I know that’s probably not what I’m supposed to say right now, I’m sorry,” I say embarrassedly. The guy just tells me he lost his parents and I turn it around and talk about my parents who are both alive.

  I reached across the table to grab both of his massive hands in my much smaller ones. “Thank you for telling me. I know it can’t be easy to talk about, but I really appreciate the fact that you are so willing to be open with me and I am so beyond sorry you had to experience that.” I look up from our entwined hands to see him looking at me like I’m the only one in the room. I feel my face start to heat up from the look he’s giving me.

  “Thank you for coming out with me tonight and giving me the chance to get to know you. And even more, thank you for letting me confide in you a piece of my past,” he says with a smile. “As much as I’d like to stay here with you all night, beautiful, I think it’s time I get you home so your dad doesn’t kill me.”

  “That’s probably a good idea,” I say and smile at him sweetly.

  When we pull into my parent’s driveway at eleven thirty I find myself not wanting to get out of his car. I turn my head to look at him one last time before I get out and give him a smile. Before I can reach for the handle I feel Brett reach for my hand and tug so that I’m facing him again. I watch as he leans forward and pushes a piece of hair behind my ear and tenderly touches my cheek. It takes everything in me not to close my eyes and lean into his touch. When I look up into his eyes I see him leaning in closer. I close my eyes and feel the light brush of his lips against mine. I don’t see fireworks or feel like I’ve been shocked, but it is the most amazing kiss I’ve ever had. Yes, it’s also the only one I’ve ever had so I don’t have much to compare it to, but I’m pretty sure it’s perfect.

  When I open my eyes I look up to find Brett looking at me with a shy smile playing at his lips. I can’t help the blush that creeps up my neck onto my cheeks, which he is still holding in his palm. I blink and sit back in my seat and his hand falls away because I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do next.

  He breaks the silence by touching my hand one more time and smiling at me before saying, “Thank you for coming out with me tonight, beautiful. I really hope you’ll give me the chance to do it again soon.”

  “I’ll see if I can,” I say trying my best to flirt, which probably ends up making me look like I’m trying way too hard but that’s because I have no idea what I’m doing. I open the door of his two door sports car, step out and lean down to look at him through the window once I’ve shut the door and give him a small wave.

  “Goodnight, Brett.”

  “Goodnight, beautiful.” I can’t help the smile that takes over my face every time he calls me that.

  Once inside I notice that my parents aren’t home yet, which doesn’t surprise me since it’s only a little after eleven thirty. I decide against waiting up for them and instead leave a note on the counter telling them I’m home and upstairs sleeping. I grab a glass of water and my phone and head upstairs to my room.

  Once settled in bed I grab for my phone to text Gray, “I FINALLY GOT MY FIRST KISS! I’M NO LONGER A KISSING VIRGIN!” I probably didn’t need to send it in all caps, but I’m just too damn excited to care.

  Within a couple seconds I feel my phone buzz with a text from Gray. “Congrats Har, you played tongue war with a tool.”

  “He is not a tool and there was no tongue either, for your information. He was a complete gentleman.”

  “I’m calling bull, but fine whatever. I’m happy you’re no longer a kissing virgin. In fact, I think I should come over and we can celebrate. What do you say?”

  I know he’s teasing me, just like typical Grayson, but I can’t help loving it. “Screw off Gray. Go spend the night with your platinum stripper. I’m going to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Goodnight Har. Love you ☺” I can’t help but smile every time he tells me he loves me, even though I know it’s not in the way I want.

  “Love you too, Gray.” I set my phone down and fall asleep dreaming about my first kiss, and how I wish it was with my best friend instead.

  I wake up to what sounds like a pounding on the door downstairs. I roll over and grab my phone and see that it’s just after two in the morning. I roll back over and pull my blanket above my head to drowned out the noise, but the knocking comes again and this time it’s a little louder. Where are my parents, I think to myself? My dad would usually be the one to answer the door
at this time of night, not me.

  A couple minutes later, the knocking has turned more into a loud banging and it sounds like they’ve decided to incorporate the doorbell as well. I get out of bed and decide to head downstairs to the front door to see what’s going on. I don’t see either of my parent’s coats or shoes by the front door so I figure they must have put them away in their room once they got home.

  I unlock the door to find two large officers behind the door. “Are you Miss Harmen Brooks?” one of the officers asks.

  “Yes, that’s me,” I answer quietly. Slowly the officer says something I only thought happened in movies, until now, “Miss I regret to inform you that your parents have been in an accident tonight.”

  It feels like my world in closing in on top of me and the only light I can see that’s keeping me afloat is coming from the bright green eyes of my best friend making his way towards me. I feel myself falling in a way that makes me think it will never end, while falling into a black abyss that I’m not sure I’m ever going to be able to escape without the hands of my best friend.

  Chapter 2

  Harmen

  Present

  I sit up gasping for breath. “It’s all just a dream, it’s all just a dream” I keep murmuring to myself.

  Except, it’s not. My parents are dead and have been for over two years. Once I start to calm down I begin to rub my eyes while looking around trying to remember where I am. I see the stark white walls even through there’s darkness still coming from behind the closed blinds.

  I see the modern dresser across from me up against the wall and the man lying next to me. Brett. I almost forgot I spent the night at his apartment, or should I say our apartment. He asked me to move in a little over a month ago and I’ve been slowly moving my things in. Much to his dismay I’m not in any rush to get everything in here and give up my apartment.

  He and I have been together since our first date back before my freshman year. He really is a great guy and when I found out my parents had died he was there for me the entire time, but so was Grayson.

  As much as I love my best friend he didn’t understand since his mom and dad are both still alive, what it was like to lose both of your parents, but Brett did. He knew exactly what I was going through and we sort of became each other’s person to lean on since neither of us had any anymore. Both of my parents were only children and my grandparents on both sides passed away while I was still in high school. Which left me with no one other than my best friend and boyfriend.

  After my parents’ deaths I learned that apparently Brett’s parents were both estranged from their families so he’d never met any of them. Because of that we are more alike than I even thought we would be, he knew what I was going through better than anyone else I could talk to. It gave me a sense of comfort from the very beginning to know that even though my parents were gone and it was a tragic accident, I wasn’t the only one who has had to deal with that kind of situation. It helped me take a step back and realize I’m not alone.

  Even if we are perfect for each other in that aspect, sometimes it seems like that is the only reason we are still together. I mean don’t get me wrong Brett’s a great guy. Tall, muscular, smart and generously handsome. I know I only listed things on the outside but on the inside he really is a great guy. Sometimes he seems to have a short fuse with me, which is strange because he’s never like that with anyone else.

  I always try not to worry about it though because I don’t mind. I mean, I probably should since we’ve been together for over two years, but I don’t. I almost like it when he gets mad at me because I think it maybe this is the time when we do breakup. The relief I feel just thinking about him breaking up with me should probably be a big red flag on my part, but since the beginning I’ve been too afraid to ever do it myself.

  It’s not that I’m afraid of him or really even afraid of losing him, it’s more the idea of him I don’t want to lose. If he leaves me then I truly have no one who understands what I went through with my parents and am still going through a couple years later. Gray is my best friend and always will be, but he doesn’t understand me like Brett does and I’m just scared if I lose him I may never find someone who does again.

  Over the years we’ve exchanged “I love yous”, but if I’m being honest with myself I don’t think I’ve ever meant it. I meant it when I used to say it in my head to Gray all the time, but he’s my best friend so nothing can ever change. He’s always with different girls, just like in high school so I’ve decided my best bet is to stay with Brett until he doesn’t want me anymore. I know that probably sounds like I’m selling myself short, but the truth is after my parents died I’ve had no real desire to get close to anyone in that sense anymore.

  Speaking of that someone I shared a bed with last night, my thoughts are cut short by movement to my left. Brett rolls over to face me and gives me a small smile. “Good morning, beautiful.”

  “Good morning, did I wake you?”

  “No not at all, I need to get up and head into work anyway.”

  After graduating college last year, Brett got a job at a law office in town learning under one of their top lawyers. He decided last year that he wanted to pursue a career in law, so as of late he has been applying for different law schools in the area. He doesn’t know if he’ll get into one based on his grades alone but he hopes that with a recommendation one of the lawyers from the firm he’s working for, someone will give him a chance.

  I’m in my senior year now and I still don’t really know what I want to do once I graduate. After my parents died I was told multiple times that people usually deal with grief in one of two ways. One, the person finds themselves falling behind in most aspects of their lives. Or two, they try to push away the pain they’re feeling by putting all of their focus on one thing. I guess you could say I dealt with my grief the second of the two ways.

  When I started my freshman year I didn’t think I’d be able to handle it so soon after their passing, but instead I found myself working harder than I ever had before. I took as many credits as I could each semester since then and now I will be graduating a year early with my business degree.

  My first class starts at eight, but per tradition and routine, Gray and I get breakfast together almost every morning. It’s something we’ve done since freshman year and something we plan to continue until we graduate in the spring. We will both be graduating with our business degree even though Gray is a year older than me at twenty-two. You’d think that based on how he likes to talk about how he is so much more mature than me that he’d be at least two or three years older than me, but nope. He’s a measly year older and he will never let me forget it.

  So every time we go out and get breakfast together since he is so much older than me it’s my rule that he always pays for our food. And let’s be real, if we ever go out for lunch or dinner I make him pay for that too. I mean come on, I’m a poor twenty-one-year-old and he’s a much older twenty-two-year old so obviously he has the funds to support us both, food wise at least.

  Fine okay, so yes I have money, a lot of money to be exact. After my parents died I learned that my dad was a lot bigger in the real estate game than I ever knew. My parents never talked about work at night when we were all together. My mom always liked for us to focus on each other when we were together rather than complaining about our days.

  Don’t get me wrong, we all complained at some point or another, but for the most part we were a pretty positive and loving family. She always says to leave your problems at the front door, along with work, so that’s what they did. Neither of them discussed their jobs at home much unless I was out of the room and happened to eavesdrop on them. They always say they never wanted me to worry, they wanted me to live a carefree childhood because that what I deserved.

  Smiling to myself at the memory, I looked up when I heard Brett come out of the bathroom. “What are you smiling about?” he asks with a hint of annoyance.

  “My parents,” I answer
simply. In the past two years I had found myself smiling a lot more rather than crying whenever I thought about them.

  “Okay and why were you smiling? Aren’t you supposed to be crying still when you think about them?” He always made me feel so guilty for how I grieved my parents. I know most people probably wouldn’t put up with it, but they just don’t understand what it’s like to suddenly lose both of your parents on the same day you go on your first date with someone who also lost both their parents suddenly.

  I typically don’t believe in all that fate bullshit, but when it comes to Brett I really don’t think there’s any other explanation. We may not be perfect together and fight a lot, but at the end of the day our similar pasts and experiences make us perfect for each other in my eyes.

  I used to think that I would end up with Gray one day, besides the fact that he is blatantly attractive with his full head of dark brown hair, green eyes, chiseled jaw and a body made for sin – if you were into that kind of thing – he’s sweet and kind and above all he’s my best friend. I may still have a couple hidden feelings buried deep down, but no one needs to know that besides me, myself and I of course.

  It would never work anyways, at least that’s what Brett tells me every time we get in a fight. “No one will ever understand you like I do, beautiful. You and I are meant to be together forever. How else can you explain us finding each other and our shared experiences?”

  He’s always so believable and sweet when he wants to be but then there are times when I’m not too sure why I stay. But all it takes is me thinking back to that summer night over two years ago to remember why we are still together. He comforted me and in a way that no one else could and I will always be grateful to him for that.