If Only I Knew

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Epilogue

  About the Author

  If Only I Knew

  Madison Torgeson

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2019 by Madison Torgeson

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without written permission of the copyright owner except for the use of quotations in a book review. For more information, address: madisontorgeson@gmail.com.

  First paperback edition March 2019

  Book design by Madison Torgeson

  ISBN 978-1-7987-5982-9 (paperback)

  For my mom, thank you for pushing me to put this crazy idea I had in my head onto paper and for always telling me to pursue the things I never thought possible.

  Chapter 1

  Harmen

  Two Years Earlier

  “Dad please, just let me go,” I say with a heavy sigh. “Not a chance am I letting my little girl go out with some guy I’ve never met.”

  “Oh come on, it’s just a date. It’s not like we are going to get married or anything. We just met for goodness sake. And plus, I’m only going to be living at home for another couple of weeks until I move into the dorms and then you won’t have a say anyway.” My dad’s piercing blue eyes look like they are going to burst out his of head as if I just said that I killed someone.

  “Please don’t tempt me to make you live at home by saying things like that.” I just roll my eyes and sighed again.

  I close my eyes and count to seven while taking deep breathes in through my nose and out through my mouth just to make sure I won’t say anything to make it worse. Please don’t ask me why I count to seven and not five or ten like a normal person. If you ask my best friend, Grayson Beck, he’ll tell you I’m just strange like that, but don’t believe him because I’m as normal as they come.

  “Dad, I met Brett at the bookstore on campus this week so I know he’s not some freaky serial killer or something. And if he is, I’m giving you his name right now so if I go missing or something crazy you can give his name to the police and my case will be solved in no time. See I’m always looking at the bigger picture just like you taught me”, I say with the wide smile I know my dad loves.

  Instead of laughing like I was hoping he just presses his palm to his face with a loud groan and runs a hand through his dark hair. “You’re going to be the death of me you know that don’t you, Har?”

  “Oh come on dad, your and mom’s life would be so boring without me in it and you know it, even if you only live to be 50”, I say with a smile and a wink.

  With a loud groan he finally gives in. “Okay fine, get out of here but make sure you are back by midnight and not a minute later. Your mom and I will be back by eleven forty-five just to make sure that you actually come home on time.”

  My mom must hear my dad groaning and decides she needs to come in and save the day like always. “Brian, leave your daughter alone and let her go out with the nice boy and have some fun. But Harmen, make sure you’re home by midnight or your dad probably won’t make it with all his worrying.”

  “LeAnn don’t tell me you don’t see the problem with our daughter going out on her first date with a boy we haven’t met,” my dad says while looking at my mom like the world revolved around her.

  They continue to look at each other like they always do when they disagree on something and my mom is trying to get her way. My dad has never been able to said no to my mom and I know he never will either. They’re older than most of the parents of my classmates, but I think that’s why they are even more in love. Doesn’t time make the heart grow fonder or something like that? I’m pretty sure that’s the saying.

  My mom is my best friend and my dad is my hero. Most of my friends and kids my age can’t stand their parents, but it’s always been the opposite for me. I spend most of my time outside of school hanging out with my parents or with my best friend, Grayson, and only friend I guess if we’re getting technical here.

  Gray and I have lived on the same street since we were little, ever since the day my parents and I moved from Los Angeles to Mitchell in northern California. And while everyone else at school has always thought I was a freak because I like to keep to myself and am what people consider a “tom boy” none of the girls wanted to hang out with me. But that’s fine with me because since graduation a few weeks ago I have moved on with my life to bigger and better things, like my first official date with Brett Worthington to be exact.

  I met Brett earlier this week at the bookstore on campus of Peskin University where Gray and I are attending this fall. We were picking up some note books and stuff for the upcoming semester when I saw Brett walk into the store. He didn’t seem to notice me right away but I definitely noticed him. How could I not when he looked like he stepped right out of GQ magazine.

  His dark blonde hair was cut shorter on the sides a little bit longer on top in a way that made me just want to run my fingers through it, but don’t worry I managed to hold myself back. His dark brown eyes made me never want to look away and while I’m usually not into guys dressed like they just stepped out of a fraternity with kakis and a polo, the look really worked for him.

  Grayson nudged my shoulder to pull me out of my trance. When I finally pulled my eyes away from Mr. Hottie with the swimmers body to look at him, he was just shaking his head at me. We were the type of friends that always knew what the other was thinking without actually having to said anything. So I knew he was telling me to just walk away but instead I gave him my signature smirk and walked towards Mr. GQ himself.

  He was looking at the stacks of different notebooks and folders at the table on the far side of the store. I walked up beside him and grabbed a couple notebooks while sneaking glances at him hoping he wouldn’t notice, but he did. Okay so maybe I was secretly hoping he would notice, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do and I’m about as subtle as well… let’s just said I’m not subtle at all.

  When I was reaching for the last notebook I needed, he turned his head to look at me and smiled. “Are you an early shopper like I am?” he asked in a smooth voice.

  “Yeah, I thought I’d try to get here before all of the good stuff is gone.”

  “I guess we think alike,” he said once he fully turned to look at me and rested his hip against the shelve full of books.

  I gave him a shy smile and nodded unsure what to said. “Is this your first year?” he asked while still looking at me with an absolutely killer smile on his face.

  If I stared at it too hard or for too long, I will probably go into cardiac arrest.

  “Yeah it is,” I answered him feeling tongue tied. I may think I’m able to talk to guys other than Gray but once they actually start talking to me I become about as awkward as a baby bird trying to fly.

  “Well, this is my first year in the graduate program if you were wondering,” he said with that smirk again. He could tell how flustered he made me whic
h made me even more flustered.

  Ugh, what was wrong with me? He seemed to pick up on the fact that I wasn’t saying much so he just kept talking thankfully.

  “What are you majoring in?” he asked.

  “Business, how about you?” I asked him shyly not able to meet his eye.

  “Same as you, what a coincidence.” I just smiled at him as he talked, that would make me seem like I was participating in the conversation, right?

  “What do you say about going out to dinner with me Friday night? That way once classes start you’ll have someone you can come to with all of your business questions and I can take out the prettiest girl in the freshman class.” I could feel my face getting warmer by the second and I could barely look him in the eye.

  Out of the corner of my eye I could see Grayson watching us with a tight jaw. He looked mad but I wasn’t sure what his problem was. I looked back at model GQ and shock my head lightly, “I don’t even know your name and you don’t know mine.”

  “Well that’s an easy fix,” he said as he bent down to meet my eyes with a smile.

  “My name is Brett Worthington and I’m really hoping you’ll let me take you out Friday night. Now, what’s your name beautiful?”

  “Harmen, Harmen Brooks,” I look up at him through my lashes to see him smiling down at me.

  “So what do you say Miss Harmen Brooks, would you let me take you out Friday night?”

  “Okay,” I looked up at him and smiled, “I’ll go out with you.”

  I mean come on, how was a girl like me supposed to say no to a guy like him? I’d never been kissed before, let alone gone on a date. Who knew all it took was shopping for your books early to make it happen? Not me that’s for sure.

  He ripped a piece of paper out of one of the notebooks in my hands, turned his back to write something down, then turned around and handed me the piece of paper with a number on it. Well damn, looks like I have to buy that notebook now. Smiling he said, “Text me your name so I have your number and I’ll text you with a time for Friday this week.”

  I took my phone out and texted the number he gave me with my name and sure enough I heard his phone vibrate with an incoming message. “I’ll see you Friday beautiful”, he said with a wink and then turned to leave.

  I didn’t notice till he started walking away that he had set the notebooks and folders he was holding down. “Hey didn’t you come in here to buy this stuff?” I called after him. He turned his head and smirked at me just as my phone vibrated in my hand with a text from him.

  “I only needed to see you.”

  I blushed as I read the message and turned around to walk back to Grayson.

  “What a tool,” Gray said with disgust as soon as I approached him.

  “You don’t even know him so stop being such a prickly pear.”

  “You don’t know him either Har so don’t give me that. Also, what the hell is a prickly pear? You really make no sense sometimes; you know that right?” he said with a small chuckle while shaking his head at me.

  Before I can respond he continues, “And I’ve been going here for a year and have never seen him before. Is he new here or something?”

  “Oh calm down, he asked me out on Friday so that I can know someone majoring in business when classes start. It’s not like he proposed you freak so I didn’t get his whole life story,” I said shaking my head at him.

  “You already know someone going into business, me, or did you forget that when you were talking to Mr. Men’s Centerfold over there?”

  “Ugh whatever Gray, go get your stuff so we can leave already.” He just sighed and walked away from me.

  I’ll never understand what that boy’s problem is, he knows I’ve never been on a date let alone been kissed. As my best friend he should be happy for me, I mean he turned me down a few months ago saying he didn’t want to ruin our friendship and I get it, but he what did he think I was going to do? Join a convent? No thanks, they’d probably kick me out as soon and I reached the front door.

  “Harmen are you even listening to me?” my dad’s voice pulls me back to the present.

  “Oh yeah sorry, what’d you say?”

  “If you can’t even listen to me when I’m standing in front of you why should you get to go on a date?”

  “I’m sorry okay? I was thinking about something and just got distracted. What were you saying now?” I ask him with a smile hoping my mom can talk him off the ledge he is currently inhabiting.

  “You can go but there are rules just like always. Number one, hugs before drugs, obviously.” I just roll my eyes as he continues, “Always keep your phone on so your mother and I can reach you if we need to. Home by midnight. And no and I mean NO kissing. Got it? Oh and don’t forget since your mother and I will be at the gala tonight to call Grayson if you need anything.”

  “Oh lighten up Brian,” my mom says with a smile.

  “Yeah dad lighten up,” I tell him with a punch to the arm which just earns me a scowl in return.

  “Okay, okay I got it don’t worry. Only hugs and drugs, lots of kissing, and call Gray if I need him,” I say while backing away towards the door with a smirk.

  “Harmen!” my dad yells while looking like he’s about to pass out at any second.

  “I’m just kidding dad! Relax.” I run back over to him and my mom and gave each of them a hug and a kiss on the cheek before I turned and walk towards the front door.

  “Love you guys,” I yell over my shoulder as I walk out the door and towards my first date who is currently parked in the driveway. I look back just in time to see my dad put his arm around my mom’s waist and pull her closer to him. “Love you more,” they both yell in unison as the front door closes behind me.

  With a smile on my face I make my way down the sidewalk towards the driveway where Brett is waiting for me in his car. In my yellow sundress that hits just above my knees and my tan gladiator sandals I think I look more like a pretty girly than a tom boy and I’m pretty damn proud of myself. My long black hair is in curls running down my back and I even put on a small amount of makeup to pull together my whole, first date look. I sent Gray a picture just before I left to get his opinion on my whole date look and to make sure I looked okay since I didn’t have any friends that were girls to help me out.

  My phone vibrates just as I reach Brett’s car with a text message and I pull it out to quickly read what Gray said.

  “You look beautiful, just like always. But maybe you should go back and put some sweats on so you’ll be comfy while you eat. And don’t forget to call or text me if you need rescuing, I promise I’ll come running. Love you Har.” I can’t help but roll my eyes as I read the message from Gray, I swear sometimes he’s worse than my dad.

  I text him back a quick, “Love you too Gray”, as I slide into Brett’s car.

  Not a lot of people understand mine and Grayson’s relationship, but I don’t care and never will. He is my best friend and always has been since we were little when I moved in next door to his family. When I was four my parents and I moved up to Mitchell in northern California from Los Angeles when my dad decided to take a step back from his real estate business.

  My dad started investing in real estate right out of college which is how he met my mom. Apparently she was the realtor that listed the first property he decided to purchase and they’ve been together ever since. I know right, how sweet. Growing up I liked to think that I would end up in the same kind of loving relationship that they have, but here I am, about to start college and I’ve never even been kissed. How exciting.

  I always kind of thought that Gray would be my first and last everything, but instead he apparently looks at me more like a kid sister and doesn’t want to do anything that could ruin our friendship. I mean don’t get me wrong that’s great seeing as how I didn’t have many other friends growing up, except I’ve always had a crush on him ever since we were kids.

  I’ve had to watch him go on dates with the most beautiful girls in school, w
in homecoming king and do all of the other stuff hot popular kids do while I just watched from the sidelines. It’s not that he didn’t try to include me because he did, I just never wanted to share him with anyone. I mean come on, he’s my best friend. Mine. No one else’s.

  Yes, I know that makes me sound crazy but you have to realize that Gray has been my only friend since I was little and seeing as how I’m an only child and all, I tend to not share very well. Don’t blame me, blame my parents. They easily could have had a couple more of me and forced me to learn to share, but apparently they could only handle one. So technically my inability to share is all their fault.

  Anyways, Grayson is currently dating Kristin. I mean what kind of name is that? It sounds like a dull stripper name. I’ve always had to put up with the evil glares and snide remarks I get from his girlfriend’s whenever we’re together. I never let it bother me though, because none of them have lasted longer than two months. So I’m sure stripper Barbie won’t be around anymore once classes roll around in a few weeks, lucky me.

  So even with all the satanic girlfriends he’s had over the years we’ve always been the type of friends that have each other’s back no matter what. When he needs to vent, I listen. When he needs advice, I give it. When he needs an excuse, I’m his go to. And whenever I need anything, anything at all, Gray is always the first one to help me.

  So tonight even if my date goes terribly, which I know it won’t, I’m not going to go to him with my problems. I need to try put some distance between my need for him as a friend and my want for him as something more. I know he would come running to my rescue if I asked him to, but I can’t keep doing that. I need to find someone of my own to lean on, someone like Brett.

  Speak of the devil, as I get into the car the first thing I notice are his strikingly dark eyes that I could so easily fall into if I let myself. He’s dressed in kakis and a light blue polo, similar to what I saw him wearing in the bookstore. His strong jaw is clean shaven and his hair is combed back as if he took the time to style it. I’m not the type of girl that’s usually into a guy with a clean shaven face, I mean babies have clean faces not men. But I definitely think I can make an exception especially since I’m having a hard time holding myself back from running my fingers through his hair and leaning over to lick his cheek just to see if it’s as soft as it looks.